Players:

Radek Simunek
Doron Raviv Phil Alexander anonymous Josh Campbell
Dan Finlay Bart Burgmans Colin Sablack Vitaly Klopot Adrian Kieran
Armand Guri

Substitutes:

Scored goals:

  1. Armand Guri
  2. Adrian Kieran
  3. Armand Guri

Report

Partisan Disinvite Themselves from Future Visits to Moravia After a storm-filled two-hour drive on Saturday morning, Partisan arrived in Veletice for an eagerly awaited away game. The opposition was a mysterious group of Moravians evidently corralled together at the local duchod. Veteran members of the Partisan faithful were quick to remind newcomers of previous ignominious failures at the feet of experienced though less than spry competition. Before festivities could begin, a dramatic squall poured onto the pitch, water logging it. The hosts notified Partisan that this was the best hriste in the tri-village area and they would not have heathens ruining it with their foreign football ways. After a tense few moments when it appeared the game might be off, it was determined by the authorities that alternate arrangements would be made. Partisan were whisked off to what might be described as the narrowest pitch since the Dejivice training grounds. Neither nets nor lines were available, but all parties involved were consenting adults and thus, after another outburst from the heavens, kick off was achieved. Still wary of the golden oldie opposition, Partisan elected to start with a 4-5-1 formation. An early test for the Veletice defense proved disastrous as Guri swept into the box in the first minute and sailed a well hit ball into the back of thewell, not the net. The opposition composed themselves and managed to provide a bit of resistance, but the tone had been set and it was clearly just a matter of time. Nifty passing at the back and good movement off the ball throughout the pitch lead to a corner kick. Alexander converted with a towering header. Soon after Kieran managed to get a leg up on a waist-high through ball, just lofting it over the oncoming keeper. Romain subbed in for Finlay around the thirty minute mark. Soon thereafter halftime was whistled. The referee apparently understood his mandate get the game over in time to watch the Czech/Swiss match. The second thirty minutes played out largely the same as the first thirty. Burgmans scored a thundering twenty-five yarder early on and quickly subbed himself off for Child. Not long after, a clearly offside through-ball was played to the opportunistic Guri. In the absence of a whistle, the wily forward expertly rounded the keeper for a straightforward tap-in. A bit less discipline in the back on the part of the away side could be forgiven considering the nature of the match. Ostrowski and Alexander played with composure and saved a good amount of messy play as the half wore on. Further kudos go to Guri, who, aside from playing a lovely game, managed to avoid an international incident with our gracious hosts. Plaudits should also be given Daz Mellis who forgot his pom poms, but still managed to support his team while limping around on an ankle still the size of a melon two months after injury. A special note should be made at this point regarding Burgmans curious self-benching midway through the second half. At the time it was assumed to be football related. Later that evening the true nature of Burgmans substitution was determined he couldnt stand the physicality of the game, especially from one persistent member of the opposition who continually engaged in deliberate handling. Our intrepid midfielder may also have been concerned that said player believed he was playing for the same team. A final flourish was provided as Guri lofted a pass to the left side of the box for Child. The crafty veteran contemplated a volley, but thought better of it, bringing the ball down in one touch and slotting it cleanly past the keeper with the next. A rather witty member of the victorious side noted that Child had met his yearly goal quota. Later Child was heard to be expounding on an adrenaline-filled mazy run past three defenders that followed minutes after his goal. No matter that the combined age of the defenders was likely nearing 200. The game ended with a surprisingly for Partisan amicable 6-nil win. Both teams retired to Veletices finest dining establishment for an evening of Euro football and drunken escapades. Campbell, Simunek and Kieran keenly staked out early positions, showing technical brilliance and tactical wit in beating their less than agile teammates to the first pivos of the evening. The rest of the team arrived shortly after and were immediately served massive amounts of dead pig flesh the moment they nestled into their seats. Large portions of that meat would wind up slightly digested - on Burgmans and Mellis floor before the evening was out. Midway through the action, Child and Campbell were called in to adjudicate a potential red card incident. Salback had apparently gone in for a clumsy challenge, heaping verbal abuse on the staff highlighted by the repeated use of an unflattering Czech term for female genitalia. Intense negotiations and a full apology from the beleaguered Salback managed to forestall further reprimands. However, game tape would reveal a repeat performance (albeit in his native tongue) later in the night as Sablack roared at a confused Finlay, you pussy, pussy, PUSSY! But the real story of the evening was Burgmans epic battle with the dangerous opposition attacker. A strategic tug of war - the ending was in doubt until Kieran intervened with a deft touch, threatening to pull a Keaty on the suddenly cowering opposition player. Tempers receded, however order was not restored. Late substitutions saw Guri, Child and Campbell making calculated exits. The latter of the three walking back to the Motorest Rohlik in complete darkness, suffering Blair Witch flashbacks and near death experiences with unwitting local Skoda owners. A silver lining was located when the non-stop restaurant proved up to its name and served a life-saving smazeny hermelin to the ailing vegetarian Campbell. Antics continued on the streets of Veletice. Sablack and Kuba treated the locals to a raucous game of late night American football. No doubt babicka and dedicek were endlessly amused when both players managed to fall into ditches and constructions holes. The disgraced Partisans were later seen being escorted home covered in mud and, in the case of Kuba, blood. Meanwhile, at the Zluty Dum, the evening culminated with a dip in the hand-crafted pool followed by a trashing of the rooms that would make Guns N Roses proud. The next morning Pan majitel would present a less than pleasant expression, mirroring many of the locals feelings about the foreign element that had marred their lovely village the night before. Extra time followed with Kieran burning through speedballs faster than you can say Amy Winehouse before stumbling back to the Motorest Rohlik at 6:30 in the morning evidently via multiple mud-filled potholes. He then proceeded to launch into a drug, cigarette and alcohol fueled forty minute rambling diatribe apropos of nothing. Highlights included at least a dozen mentions of not even winning a free kick for his newly discovered Mellis-like ankle injury. This was followed by a mad search for alcohol and nicotine and a short spell of talking to himself while sitting outside McDonalds in the play area with a Marlboro and Gambac. FIFA officials will be investigating the incident. The fixture finally ended in a draw later that morning while Burgmans scrubbed carpet furiously and the remainder of the team agreed that basically all of Moravia smelled like hovno. A strategic retreat was agreed upon. Further invitations to locations east of Bohemia are not expected.